My husband & I were married July 2016 in my hometown in the U.S. Then, we moved to the Philippines August 2016 (where my husband is from).
In December of 2016, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time! To be honest, I had so many emotions! I was so nervous because we weren’t expecting to be pregnant so soon, but at the same time I was so excited to become a Momma! Everything was going well with the pregnancy. By the second doctor’s appointment we were able to hear baby’s heartbeat and it was such an amazing moment for us! The week of my third appointment, my husband was out of town on travel for work. I asked him if I should go to my appointment alone, but he asked me to reschedule so that he could come with me. I’m so glad I didn’t go to the doctor’s alone because little did we know, this appointment would turn our world upside down.
The doctor was silent for about 3 minutes when he was checking the baby on the ultrasound. A part of me had a really bad feeling, but I didn’t want to think anything of it. Then he said the words, “There’s no heartbeat…” Immediate tears. My reaction was just to cry… so many questions were going through my head. I remember that car ride with my husband from the doctor’s clinic to our house was the most painful feeling I’ve ever experienced. My heart hurt like I couldn’t even explain. I just kept thinking, “Why? Why did I lose my child?” I remember the first phone call I made when I got home from the doctor’s was to my parents. It was 3am their time and I remember I just said, “I lost the baby.” And my mom and sister just cried on the phone with me. I think that was one of the hardest things to go through having my family across the world from me. It tore me up that they weren’t close by to just give me a hug. I just remember that whole week I cried all throughout the day, everyday. I really struggled for weeks with adjusting to a new country, new culture, and now with the lost of my first baby. I knew the only one I could run to was God.
After a few days of finding out that I had lost the baby, I went visiting with Abie and Hannah. Little did I know, this was when God began to help me through my grief. That weekend, by God’s grace, I led my first person to the Lord here in the Philippines. After that day, I knew God would be with me through this healing process. To be totally honest, the hardest thing was being so far from family and from my comfort zone. But through that specific time in my life, I truly found a comfort from God that only He could give through His Word and I really had to surrender myself to knowing that everything happening in my life is what He wants for me. I claimed the verses, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28) and “…the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21).
It was also so amazing to receive all the love from other Momma’s who’ve had miscarriages. I never knew how many of my friends have gone through the same thing and it was encouraging to know God brought them through the pain and the grief. I am SO thankful for my husband who was my #1 supporter and enourager through my miscarriage (and even until now!) He always reminds me how good God is to us even with the loss of our baby. I am just so grateful for the promise of heaven because I know we will be able to see our baby again one day. Although I went through a time of grief, God gave comfort through His Word and peace that everything will be okay. I always think of those Momma’s who’ve lost their child at an older age. I cannot imagine the pain they feel, but I always see God’s grace in their lives and that‘s definitely a huge encouragement to me!
Fast forward to today, we now have the sweetest baby girl named Khloe who is almost 7 months! God has been beyond good to us and we are so so blessed! Even until today, I really don’t know what the reason was for my miscarriage, but all I know is I am thankful for it. I cannot imagine not being a Christian and going through the time of grief and pain. I always remember reading Nahum 1:7, “The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.” No matter what trials or cirmumstances we go through in life, even if we don’t know the reason why we go through them, God is still good.